dealing with noob lawyers

One of the funnier urban dictionary posts I've seen. Basically, a "noob" is what non-internet-nerds call a "newbie." Yes, noobs can be frustrating (someone must've really pissed off the author of that post!). Noob attorneys are obviously a malpractice suit waiting to happen. They bill too much, they miss issues, and -- the frustrating part for opposing counsel -- they hinder progression/settlement of the case. They don't "know the drill." They make everything harder. They don't realize this is San Diego, a town more country than Burmingham, AL -- here, professional courtesies are mandatory. I've been dealing with a noob who should've settled a case long ago; instead, he's burning through attorney fees like crazy to collect a relatively small debt.

The obvious way to spot a noob attorney -- the state bar membership number. It's an objective pecking order for attorneys -- the lower the better. (There's nothing more humiliating than having your name listed on a pleading below a colleague with a higher/more recent bar number.) My noob has a 259XXX membership number, although I've been dealing with people in the 260000s. I must say, my 238XXX bar number is looking pretty damn respectable these days, if I don't say so myself. I've been making moves since 2005. Yes, I'm still an associate, but I've got the mileage -- and have had it for a while now -- so you can't mess with me.

Another way to spot a noob attorney is when they don't know the random legal lingo. My noob learned what Bates Stamping is the hard (embarrassing) way -- from me! In responding to a proposed stipulation I drafted, my noob's only comment was that "date-stamped" is misspelled as "bate-stamped." Of course, my email response was polite -- I let him save face by saying that the term should've been capitalized, and that's probably what led to his confusion. Classic for this guy. As I've said in previous posts -- you can't ASSUME the other side is making a mistake.

The point is: If you're a noob, don't try to "hang out your shingle" and go out on your own. Your freshly minted law degree and bar card don't qualify you to practice law -- think of the medical profession: you're a "doctor" if you graduate medical school, but you still need a residency etc.

If you're the employer of a noob: Don't give them authority/discretion that's above their pay grade. Let them bang out the briefs etc., but make them run even basic decisions up the ladder. They will soon get the feel for how your particular firm handles certain situations, because if you're any good, you have canned responses to various issues that come up.